In recent weeks I've come face to face with me. Who I am. Why I do the things I do. What makes me tick (or what ticks me off. teehee.)
I have never been very good at decision making. Not that I lack the wisdom or understanding to make the right decision. Most of the time my choice turns out well. But the actual process of making a choice is the hard part.
Wendy's or McDonald's?
Yogurt parfait or Frosty?
Eat out or cook at home?
Do I really want that doughnut enough to turn the car around or not?
And for each of these almost-meaningless questions I waffle back and forth, back and forth. The problems are many. I force myself to think through every possible repercussion of every available choice before settling. This can be rather annoying and time consuming for both me and those who are waiting on my selection.
And then there's the people pleaser in me. I can't get away from it. Ultimately, I prefer everyone who will be affected by the decision to be satisfied more than I care about getting what I want. Using the eating out example, I will tell you what I want and I will mean it. But I will have subconsciously thought through the financial and taste-bud-appeasing effects of what I say. I like to spend as little money as possible, and I will always choose to spend as little money as possible when someone else is footing the bill. Always. Yes, even if everyone else is spending X amount of money I will look for the cheapest options.
Many times I will say, "Anything but Taco Bell (for example)" rather than saying, "I'd love Wendy's." I would rather leave the group with 10 other options besides the one I would least desire than tell everyone what I really want. This is so that if I don't get what I want most, I won't be disappointed.
I take everything personally. Everything. I wish this weren't true, but it is. If I say, "I really want to go to Wendy's" then I mean I really want to go to Wendy's. I've put my emotions into it and my heart is on the line. It's ridiculous that even fast food choices are connected to my feelings, but it's the truth. Thus, if the group's majority votes for another option, I feel hurt.
It's lame, it really is. This is why I would prefer to quickly calculate everyone else's desires and incorporate them into my own. No one gets hurt. Some might think this is me being dishonest, but it's as honest as I know to be. Taking the group into consider before offering my opinion is what I do--it IS what I WANT.
In summary, I have learned that yes, I value transparency and total honesty. But I also guard my heart in very extreme ways. I am too darn emotional about too many things--choices that require zero emotion. But that is who I am.
Anyone have experience with this type of emotion--in themselves or others? How do you deal with it?
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