It's amazing to me how hypocritical I can be. Maybe even just critical. I astonish myself with the prevalence of my sin nature many times.
Honestly, I think it's my husband's fault. Not even kidding. You see, before I got married it was easy to hide my shortcomings, my sinful tendencies, my anger, my complete and utter selfishness. In fact, I hid the selfishness so well, even I didn't realize how bad it was.
But being married is like choosing to carry a life-sized mirror around with you at times. You don't know how bad you look unless you see your reflection, right? Well, having a spouse gives you the same benefits and frustrations of looking in a mirror.
Maybe that marriage mirror is even magnified. Every little flaw looks ten times worse that it actually is. But with the magnifying-marriage-mirror, the enormity of the issue is true to life.
In my marriage, it's incredibly easy for me to build up my husband and speak well of him to everyone I encounter. He's amazing after all. I have never once lied or embellished the truth about Kevin when I'm bragging on him or bursting at the seams with love. That is all the truth.
The hypocritical part of me rears its ugly head when it's just him and me. Suddenly I become a steam roller, allowing my frustration over the tiniest (or not-so-tiny) scenarios to crush his spirit. I say cruel things before thinking of their affect. I listen to Satan's lies and suddenly my amazing, loving, forgiving husband becomes some evil villain in my mind's eye.
That may be a bit exaggerated, but the premise is accurate. Why is it that all of the positive truths I speak of my husband don't overflow into our personal lives at all times--especially when we're bickering?? I want to remember all of the good in the midst of the moment of bad.
It's at least a 10 to 1 ratio of Husband Awesomeness to Husband-not-so-Awesomeness.
So why not let the affects of the Awesomeness carry over into the hard times?
Jesus, help me to love as you love, to reciprocate Kevin's love for me.
I hope I'm not the only one who's ever struggled in this way? Am I alone? Can anyone relate?
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So true. I end up being so stubborn -- and I don't like that. Or I end up keeping this tally sheet up in my head -- and that doesn't allow much grace and kindness from me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the incredible reminder...
Rachel
Girl - I relate SO MUCH on this one. Sometimes I let my temper get the best of me and I even REALIZE I'm doing that, but in that moment I simply don't care. I'm working on it with God's help, but it isn't easy is it? I just tell myself that this might be a struggle for me, but there are worse things to struggle with -- I'm not saying my sinfulness and pride is "good," but my lot is not as heavy as it could be and I'm thankful for that.
ReplyDeleteno never i am perfect! hahah ya right!
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