Journal Entry at the 12th Month

God has been working wonders in my heart over the past two years as we've journeyed down the road of infertility, and I can't wait to share his goodness with you. But let's back up the story and visit something I wrote June 9, 2011 (a year and a half ago), when my heart was raw and aching after crossing that 12th month, you're-officially-considered-medically-infertile marker.

Tuesday, June 7th marked the 12th month of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts. Back in June 2010, Kevin was totally on board with the issue, but he wasn't REALLY looking forward to the prospect of reproducing until the New Year. I know he would have been totally stoked about any pregnancy, but it wasn't a deep desire for him until the last few months.  

I, on the other hand, have been longing for this time in life for years. I can remember playing "house" as a girl and wanting to be a mommy so badly. For many years, maybe even until I started dating Kevin, I thought the reason to get married was to HAVE kids--babies were the point, right? I have realized in the past 3 years of marriage, that babies are most certainly NOT the point of marriage.  

Children are going to be an enormous blessing--something we're going to be more thankful now than if we'd gotten pregnant lickity split.  

Children are an incredible responsibility--something I don't think we're ready for and never will be.

Children are an important form of obedience to God's creation command to "fill the earth"--and they will be our most important contributions to the Body of Christ. 

My heart so deeply desires children. The passion has grown and strengthened since we were first married and now, that's it taken so long and we've not gotten pregnant, there is a fear. What if this never happens to me? What if I'm that woman who is barren? What if I'm Hannah? 

We both thought it would be easy to get pregnant--that as soon as we decided to try, we'd conceive. Not. so. much. And all around us, our friends are getting pregnant and having babies. I could count 20 or 30 friends our age who have conceived and given birth since we started trying. And NONE OF THEM knew what we were going through. (We hadn't not told anyone but closest friends and family that we were trying.) We're extremely excited for each of them. But there's a pain in my heart every time I see someone else announce their good news.

But I have to come to terms (at least for today) with the fact that God is IN CONTROL--NOT ME. His timing and His planning is perfect. He knew the last 12 months of extended one-on-one marriage would be extremely important to our growth and maturity. We're going to be better parents because of it. He knew we'd be moving to New York, uprooting ourselves, starting seminary, becoming involved in a new church, finding our feet all over again. He knows what's down the road, that I can't possibly anticipate. He is SO GOOD. 

He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

And now we wait, we pray, we seek guidance (from friends and family who've been there.) 

I remember very vividly the emotions I felt as we went into New Years Day 2011, then again in June. These present days are much less raw, with tears being shed only every month or two. I have come to expect to not be pregnant, so my hopes aren't dashed nearly as frequently. But there are days, here and there, where my heart is heavy and the tears come. And that's ok too.

The struggle now is finding the balance between maintaining a true and Christ-like hope in this deep desire of mine without letting it become an expectation, something my world revolves around. My heart has released, more and more, the idea that children will somehow complete me, make me the woman I was meant to be. Only GOD, in all his goodness, can fill me, finish me. 

Make that truth known to me today, Jesus.