Before we move to present struggles, glorious victories, and what in the world we've been doing to "treat" this for the past 2 years, here is a slightly-gut-wrenching journal entry I wrote almost a year and a half ago.
august 27, 2011
august 27, 2011
So much pain poured out in my prayer journal this morning. It was welling up inside of me--anxiety, hurt, fear--and it came flowing out in tears.
Oh, God! Why are my insides pulling part, churning, convulsing? You are so, so good to me. And I don't know where this anxiety came from, Jesus. Give me clarity. Show me your peace. So much tension is welling up inside of me, God.
What if we never have a baby? That is becoming more and more a reality to me. and my heart breaks. I am at a loss for words, tears streaming down my face. Feeling alone, like no one can really understand. "Just wait," they say, "It'll happen in God's time." Why do they lie to me, Father? They make up niceties to tickle my ears and give me a false sense of peace. But nothing says you will give me a child. NOTHING.
2010. June. July. August. September. October. November. December. 2011. January. February. March. April. May. June. July. August.
That's 15 months, God. And my hope is fading. Yesterday, I ordered a necklace form Lisa Leonard Designs with a gift card I won. I had been waiting and waiting to order one with ours and our baby's initials on it. But it has occurred to me, in a very real way, that this day might not ever come. Or, at the very least, I shouldn't sit and wait for it to happen. Because it might not. And what are we to do? Do we get tested? When? And then what?
Could it be this is what you have for us? Life together, without babies of our own?
And now that I ordered the necklace I feel it releases me to live my life without planning around a little one who may or may not ever be. A job--is this what you have for me? Saving for who knows what?--a house, but why? a car? missions? vacations? adoption?
In any case, it doesn't matter. I can't sit hear, twiddling my thumbs, waiting and hoping and praying and putting all my stock in my plans to be a mother. What if I'm never a mom--like I have always dreamed I would be? What if I never get to push that beautiful red stroller or use those adorable onesies that I started buying over a year ago at garage sales. It made sense then. We were going to start trying. We were going to get pregnant. I might as well start preparing.
But I was so, so wrong. And all of that was wasted. How could I ever let myself get so wrapped up in a hope, a dream? Assumption. Expectation.
But you never promised this. You only promised to be there, be HERE with me. Through the pain. Into the unknown. Transforming into beauty.
Be here now, God.