Prayer for Mending

Child, 
You're entering into a broken world, wearing sinful flesh. You will need this Jesus, just as I do, today and always. 

from The Book of Common Prayer

O Lord, raise up, we pray, your power
and come among us,
and with great might succor us;
that whereas, through our sins and wickedness we are grievously hindered in running the race that is set before us,your bountiful grace and mercy may speedily help and deliver us;
through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord,
to whom with you and the Holy Spirit,
be honor and glory, now and for ever.

Restore us again, O God our Savior.

Risen Christ,
you claim your own among the nations;
mend what is broken in us, loving Savior;
do not forsake us when we fail,
but in your service grant us daring and love;
for your name’s sake.

Amen.


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Prayers in Anguish

Dear Child of Mine, 

I am certain I'll want to shield you from the pain of this world, this temporary dwelling place we are born into which offers us the opportunity to seek God, find him, cleave to him. While we wait for his final Advent, his Kingdom come, we pray.

We pray in the peaceful times, thanking him for rest and reprieve.
We pray in the joyous times, honoring him with our excitement.
We pray in the troubled times, asking for our eyes to be open to his hand at work.
We pray out of anguish, sorrow, pain, regret, anger.

God can handle it. He wants you to give him all of you, wherever you are.

I am aching for our friends, Wayne and Lisa, who are enduring very scary times as they seek a diagnosis for the masses in Wayne's abdomen. I can't believe my friends, such young, vibrant, wonderful followers of Christ, are facing this trial.

Having read Lisa's blog post describing the gut wrenching sobs she can't seem to control, the guttural anguish that hasn't allowed her to see God's peace, I sought Scripture for answers. She is not failing or lacking in faith because of the deep emotions that are welling up in her. Neither will you be failing God, dear child, in times of crisis. Cry out to Jesus.

Psalm 55:1-2, 4-5

Listen to my prayer, O God,
    do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...
My heart is in anguish within me;
    the terrors of death have fallen on me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
    horror has overwhelmed me. 

Psalm 6:2-4

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
    heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
    How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
    save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 31:7

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
    for you saw my affliction
    and knew the anguish of my soul.

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Advent: A Reminder to Wake Up

Dear Child of Mine, 

After years of following Jesus, I am just now beginning to embrace the seasons of the Christian year, experiencing the life changing lessons contained in the liturgy and the communion of saints. Advent is such beautiful, yet challenging time in life of the Church. It is at this time of year that we are reminded of our need to wake up to the coming of Jesus in our lives.

Along with my dear vespers sisters,* I am using Ruth Haley Barton's Advent Reflections to guide my focus during this season of faith. Her writing and urging, combined with the lectionary Scripture passages have offered the opportunity for self-examination, for refocusing, for shifting my perspective.

We wait in eager expectation of Jesus' birth, his first coming.
Our spirits certainly anticipate, with every-increasing desire, his second coming in glory.
But we ought also to look for the coming of Christ into our daily lives, today.  

The difficulty is in this time of liminal space (as described by Richard Rohr) in which we are no longer experiencing that which we are comfortable and oh so familiar; yet neither have we seen the resolution of the waiting, the answer, the direction, the everything-is-turning-out-fine moment. We are in the time of holding our breath, left to wait. We can choose to gasp for air, fight for our lives, flee the fearful expectancy. Or we can seek the Lord Jesus Christ in this uncertainty, looking for his movement, listening to his voice. Because even in the waiting, especially in the waiting, there is Jesus.

Dear One, I am waiting with an ever-increasing desire for your arrival. But this morning I prayed this prayer of confession -

Lord Jesus, As hard as this is to admit, I thank you for this long time of advent in my life. This journey of infertility may continue for many more years, I don't know, but the grace, the blessing has come and is coming in the ways I'm learning to seek you. I imagine where my focus would be right now if I had gotten "my way" and it's not likely to be totally on you. Teach me now how to keep company with Jesus, how to kindle communion with Him, that it may be an inextricable part of me in years to come.

I look forward to celebrating Advent with you in the years to come, teaching you about the birth of Jesus, the anxiety of Mary and Joseph, the obedience of the wise men and shepherds. I will walk you through the weeks leading up to the day we celebrate his incarnation, teaching you about the discipline of waiting and leading you to look for Jesus especially in those times when we hold our breath. In my hopeful waiting for you to become a part of my life, I pray I will become more and more connected to Jesus. I desire you deeply, but I want my Christ-seeking to always be at the forefront of pursuits. And I want you to know that about me.

Seeking Him first,

Your Mama


*I join with a small group of women on Wednesday evenings to pray the evening prayer along with our own needs and reflections. One hour of prayer with kindred spirits. 

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Trampling Over Death by Death

Christ Is Risen
Matt Maher

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely you bled, for us


Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!


Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bow to none but heavens will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold you down
In strength you reign
Forever let your church proclaim


Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!

---


Oh, death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh, death! Where is your sting?
Oh, hell! Where is your victory?
Oh, Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, He's alive! He's alive!

---

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave!



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Lead Me to the Cross, Lord Jesus

On this Good Friday, steep your heart in the message of this song, recounting the willingness, the obedience, the great sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Lead Me to the Cross
by Hillsong United

Savior, I come,
Quiet my soul,
Remember Redemption's Hill
Where Your blood was spilled for my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost.
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to You.
Lead me, lead me to the cross.

You were as I,
Tempted and trialed, human
The Word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen!

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost.
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees
Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself,
I belong to You.
Lead me, lead me to the cross.




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Does Isaiah's Prophecy Apply?

In studying the first week of Beth Moore's Breaking Free, the central Scripture was Isaiah 61:1-3. 

The spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

    because the Lord has anointed me;

he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed,

    to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

    and release to the prisoners;

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,

    and the day of vengeance of our God;

    to comfort all who mourn;

to provide for those who mourn in Zion—

    to give them a garland instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

    the mantle of praise instead of a faint spirit.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    the planting of the Lord, to display his glory.

As I first read this passage in the context of my breaking free from spiritual chains, I was applying these words to my own life, interpreting them as a prophecy written on my own life. Though I have read these verses in the context of Christ, for whatever reason my perspective was different this time. But then, I got to the next paragraph in Beth's study guide and she explicitly pointed out how these verses were indications of the great works and power the Messiah Jesus was going to have on earth (and referenced Luke 4:14-21 as prophetic fulfillment.) 

Certainly Beth is correct in his interpretation of these verses, but my heart was a bit down-trodden as I realized they weren't indications of prophecy meant for my life. I was disappointed, but moved on, knowing I serve a Christ who is capable of all of those things. 

And then, the moment of clarity came to me as quick as a flash, evidently a word from the Holy Spirit (John 14:12-13). 

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 

These words from the mouth of Jesus, the one fulfilling the prophecy to bind up the broken hearts, to bring (to BE) the Good News, and proclaim the Lord to all those who mourn, was telling me that through my faith in him I was do those same great deeds on his behalf -- and even greater. HOW POWERFUL!

My God is a God of redemption, of glory, of greatness, of healing and mercy. And through his anointing on my life, the righteousness poured into me through the sacrifice of his Son, I am given the power to do even greater things than Christ. 

Am I (are you?) prepared for the fullness of this prophecy in my life?  

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God First, God Second, God Third.

As I journey down the path of infertility, of waiting and hoping, demanding and pouting, praying and seeking, I have finally begun to discover a purpose to all of this. --God himself has not been the point of my life, all along. He may have been a priority, even the first priority, but He has certainly not been my everything. I have conjured up needs that can only be met through children, as if I will only be who I'm created to be as a mother.

But wait. Didn't GOD create me? So how can I go about questioning Him and even replacing his place on the throne of my heart with my children?

I distinctly remember the moment of clarity I had, regarding my life's priorities. I was walking up the stairs and stopping suddenly, sharing this visionary statement with my husband.

"What if a reason for this infertility is God waiting for me to acknowledge my only worth is in him, not in my role as as a mother? My children will not give me a divine identity. That only comes from God." 

And there it was as clear as day--I needed to make Jesus my only. Although that deep moment of listening to God's call was a few months ago, it was only this morning that I saw an even deeper meaning-- it's not just about prioritizing my life and making God number one again.

Read these words by Oswald Chambers, quoted in Beth Moore's Breaking Free -

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord. — Isaiah 6:1

---

Our soul’s history with God is frequently the history of the “passing of the hero.” Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died – I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? or – I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.”

Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision.

I was complete stricken with this statement, this life-altering view of seeking only God. And as we focus all on Jesus, but of course He will flow out of our hearts onto others, seeping from our very being.

All God.
Only God. 
No other priorities. 

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Coming to Grips: August 2011

If this is the first time you've been to our blog (or if it's a been a while), let me say welcome. Pull up a chair, bring a mug of your favorite tea, and join us. Right now we are in the middle of sharing a very personal struggle. For the first time ever, we are publicly sharing the details of our on-going journey through infertility. Please feel free to read these previous posts before continuing.

31 Month Confession 

Journal Entry at the 12th Month

------

Before we move to present struggles, glorious victories, and what in the world we've been doing to "treat" this for the past 2 years, here is a slightly-gut-wrenching journal entry I wrote almost a year and a half ago.

august 27, 2011

So much pain poured out in my prayer journal this morning. It was welling up inside of me--anxiety, hurt, fear--and it came flowing out in tears. 

Oh, God! Why are my insides pulling part, churning, convulsing? You are so, so good to me. And I don't know where this anxiety came from, Jesus. Give me clarity. Show me your peace. So much tension is welling up inside of me, God. 

What if we never have a baby? That is becoming more and more a reality to me. and my heart breaks. I am at a loss for words, tears streaming down my face. Feeling alone, like no one can really understand. "Just wait," they say, "It'll happen in God's time." Why do they lie to me, Father? They make up niceties to tickle my ears and give me a false sense of peace. But nothing says you will give me a child. NOTHING. 

2010. June. July. August. September. October. November. December. 2011. January. February. March. April. May. June. July. August. 

That's 15 months, God. And my hope is fading. Yesterday, I ordered a necklace form Lisa Leonard Designs with a gift card I won. I had been waiting and waiting to order one with ours and our baby's initials on it. But it has occurred to me, in a very real way, that this day might not ever come. Or, at the very least, I shouldn't sit and wait for it to happen. Because it might not. And what are we to do? Do we get tested? When? And then what?

Could it be this is what you have for us? Life together, without babies of our own?

And now that I ordered the necklace I feel it releases me to live my life without planning around a little one who may or may not ever be. A job--is this what you have for me? Saving for who knows what?--a house, but why? a car? missions? vacations? adoption? 

In any case, it doesn't matter. I can't sit hear, twiddling my thumbs, waiting and hoping and praying and putting all my stock in my plans to be a mother. What if I'm never a mom--like I have always dreamed I would be? What if I never get to push that beautiful red stroller or use those adorable onesies that I started buying over a year ago at garage sales. It made sense then. We were going to start trying. We were going to get pregnant. I might as well start preparing.

But I was so, so wrong. And all of that was wasted. How could I ever let myself get so wrapped up in a hope, a dream? Assumption. Expectation. 

But you never promised this. You only promised to be there, be HERE with me. Through the pain. Into the unknown. Transforming into beauty. 

Be here now, God. 

----


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Journal Entry at the 12th Month

God has been working wonders in my heart over the past two years as we've journeyed down the road of infertility, and I can't wait to share his goodness with you. But let's back up the story and visit something I wrote June 9, 2011 (a year and a half ago), when my heart was raw and aching after crossing that 12th month, you're-officially-considered-medically-infertile marker.

Tuesday, June 7th marked the 12th month of unsuccessful pregnancy attempts. Back in June 2010, Kevin was totally on board with the issue, but he wasn't REALLY looking forward to the prospect of reproducing until the New Year. I know he would have been totally stoked about any pregnancy, but it wasn't a deep desire for him until the last few months.  

I, on the other hand, have been longing for this time in life for years. I can remember playing "house" as a girl and wanting to be a mommy so badly. For many years, maybe even until I started dating Kevin, I thought the reason to get married was to HAVE kids--babies were the point, right? I have realized in the past 3 years of marriage, that babies are most certainly NOT the point of marriage.  

Children are going to be an enormous blessing--something we're going to be more thankful now than if we'd gotten pregnant lickity split.  

Children are an incredible responsibility--something I don't think we're ready for and never will be.

Children are an important form of obedience to God's creation command to "fill the earth"--and they will be our most important contributions to the Body of Christ. 

My heart so deeply desires children. The passion has grown and strengthened since we were first married and now, that's it taken so long and we've not gotten pregnant, there is a fear. What if this never happens to me? What if I'm that woman who is barren? What if I'm Hannah? 

We both thought it would be easy to get pregnant--that as soon as we decided to try, we'd conceive. Not. so. much. And all around us, our friends are getting pregnant and having babies. I could count 20 or 30 friends our age who have conceived and given birth since we started trying. And NONE OF THEM knew what we were going through. (We hadn't not told anyone but closest friends and family that we were trying.) We're extremely excited for each of them. But there's a pain in my heart every time I see someone else announce their good news.

But I have to come to terms (at least for today) with the fact that God is IN CONTROL--NOT ME. His timing and His planning is perfect. He knew the last 12 months of extended one-on-one marriage would be extremely important to our growth and maturity. We're going to be better parents because of it. He knew we'd be moving to New York, uprooting ourselves, starting seminary, becoming involved in a new church, finding our feet all over again. He knows what's down the road, that I can't possibly anticipate. He is SO GOOD. 

He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

And now we wait, we pray, we seek guidance (from friends and family who've been there.) 

I remember very vividly the emotions I felt as we went into New Years Day 2011, then again in June. These present days are much less raw, with tears being shed only every month or two. I have come to expect to not be pregnant, so my hopes aren't dashed nearly as frequently. But there are days, here and there, where my heart is heavy and the tears come. And that's ok too.

The struggle now is finding the balance between maintaining a true and Christ-like hope in this deep desire of mine without letting it become an expectation, something my world revolves around. My heart has released, more and more, the idea that children will somehow complete me, make me the woman I was meant to be. Only GOD, in all his goodness, can fill me, finish me. 

Make that truth known to me today, Jesus. 

Observations from Mile 12

This morning was my first solo long run besides the 8 miles I ran last fall about this time. I wanted to make sure I was capable of doing the long run on my own because up until this week, I've had someone running or biking alongside me. Running is almost entirely a mental sport. Yes, it requires fitness and endurance, but even those first few runs you take yourself on require mental stamina that says, "I can do this. I'm not going to do. There is no need to gasp for air. Remain calm. Oh! And try to enjoy yourself." Running with a partner means distraction from your own breathing, your own pain, the reality that the end is still miles and miles away and you're not sure how you could possibility get there without a) vomitting, b) dying of an asthma attack even though you don't have asthma, or b) finding yourself in so much pain you just want to curl up and cry. Oh, and beyond the mental games, there's the need to control my pace and keep from burning out before the end. 

Luckily for me, I spent the first 6 years of my running habit completely by myself. It wasn't until this past year that I ever ran with a partner, so I was used to being alone. I don't listen to music or podcasts anymore, either. The peacefulness of being out there by myself is a soothing thing for me. It's like my silly little Bondi band says--running is my therapy. And so, I was confident I could manage the long run on my own. I just wanted to experience it. 

I mapped out a 12 mile route on Google maps, left a note for Kevin with directions of my route (safety first, people!), strapped my reflective arm band on, laced up my shoes and headed out the door at 5:53am. 

My plan included much uncharted (or untrekked) territory for me, but that's one of my favorite parts about running--discovering new roads, experiencing new places, getting to know the layout of the land. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, be it hills or dogs or lack of edge lines, but I was looking forward to it. 

Along my run, I became increasingly thankful for the perfect weather God granted me--no fog, no wind, cool temperatures, lower humidity. Many of my miles were used for prayer, one of my favorite parts of running alone. Sometimes the best way to train your mind is to focus on the Lord, offering your thoughts to the needs and concerns of others rather than your light and momentary troubles of the run. 

Seeing as I didn't want to run with that heavy Camelbak nor did I plan any water stops along the way, I even prayed that I would pass a fruit orchard at mile 9 or 10 so I could snag an apple to refuel. I don't know how ethical that is--what with the taking something that is not mine--but boy was I thankful to come across that Granny Smith tree. 

I passed a few seemingly ferocious dogs who were either chained up or easily soothed by my "It's okay, puppy. Good dog" mantra. 

I snapped a photo of a house that had solar panels covering its roof and a whole separate unit of panels in the side yard. I knew Kevin would be entertained by that. 

My shoes stayed perfectly laced for the duration of the run--up until the last 3 blocks. Ugg. I was so annoyed to have to stop and tie my shoe with my house all but in sight. 

I had a few moments of almost-panic when I wasn't sure if I passed the road I was supposed to turn onto or not, but I decided to remain calm and sure enough, I found my way just way. 

Watching the sunrise is always a pro in the column of "waking up before 6am." 

And I made it. I didn't stop for anything along the way. I felt good. I felt strong. And I was thrilled to find out I had finished my run in 1 hour and 52 minutes--a 9:20 pace.

Bring it on, half marathon. Bring. It. On.*

*I would like to mention that I will be posting my thoughts on the whole "training for a race" thing at some point in the near future. It might not be what you expect. Stay tuned. 

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The One with Toddler Thoughts

Easter is my all-time favorite holiday. Not because it's the best family traditions (although I loved my Easter baskets and my Easter dresses), but because it is the crowning jewel--the pinnacle--of my faith in Christ Jesus. Without the death and resurrection of Jesus, my beliefs are worth nothing. 

For that reason, I have recently become a tad bitter about the Easter bunny and the fact that the only thing kids think about when they hear the term "Easter" is CANDY! *grumbles* A year ago, Kevin was in front of our youth group sharing the importance facts of Easter. Before he began, he asked the students "What makes Easter so special?" Immediately the responses (whether in jest or not) ranged the gamut of "Easter Bunny" comments. In what can only be described as righteous anger, I exclaimed, "The Easter Bunny pisses me off!" Yes, that's right. I said the p-word. The word I despise. The word I never use. All because of my deep remorse for the secular focus of this sacred holiday. 

It was a sacred use of the profane (if I can quote Dr. Patton of SAU.) 

That brings us to today. This morning I was working with the preschoolers in the nursery during Morning Moms Bible study at our church. I had the rapt attention of three young children and I was using the opportunity to talk about the deep worth and the rich meaning of the Easter holiday. 

source

At the end of our story book explanation, a few questions, and a "He is Risen!" coloring sheet, the four of us were continuing our discussion about Jesus dying for our sins. 

M: "Did it hurt Jesus [when he died on the cross]?"
Me: "Yes, it did. It hurt very badly. But he did that for you so he could take your sins away. Isn't that awesome?"
M: thoughtfully "But wasn't there any other way?"

Wow. the same question Christ himself asked--from the mouth of a 5 year old. I can't even think of another word to add.

The One with His Vivid Will

Today's Five Minute Friday writing prompt is:


Vivid

At times the will of God seems mysterious, unknown. We have trouble handing our futures and our dreams and our pains over to his trustworthy hands. As if He has somehow failed us in the past. 

But He has never me failed me. And He never will.

But you know what? Sometimes, the plan of God for our lives becomes vividly evident. As if, all of sudden, the blinders were removed, the lights turned on, and the color surrounds us in brilliance. We look back and recognize his hand in every step that led us to this moment of vivid understanding. For just a little while we see how his plan is so good, so full of purpose, so much more than anything we ever could have asked or imagined. 

When we receive those glimpses into his will for our lives, it is a gift, sustaining us through the next many months of traversing the roads unknown. Cling tightly to the memory of those vivid reveals of God's plan, and journey with him through the valley to come. One day, you will see clearly on another mountaintop.  

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The One with Glimpses of Grace

Every once in a while I have an "off" week. You know the kind, don't you? I just feel "blah" for no apparent reason. The couch becomes my best friend, and I can't motivate myself to move more often than necessary. I watch too much tv and feel guilty about it, but I can't seem to do anything else. Even reading seems like a chore. Every afternoon I become overcome with tiredness, and I slept for an hour (or 3). I am emotional, but could find no roots to my moods. 

That was me, two weeks ago. Thankfully this type of experience is completely atypical for me. Most days, I'm up-beat, energized, and motivated. I spent much of that week in prayer, asking Jesus to take from me the weightiness, the burden. I prayed and prayed some more, even hoping that I might discover a few of the roots of my behavior. 

At the end of the week, I finally had that "aha" moment. It was (of course) filled with an abundance of tears. A release. And it felt so good. The pain, the problem, was now at the surface, ready and willing to be handed over. And He was faithful to deliver me. Once again. And I feel a bit more refined, as if that week of darkness and pain was another moment the Lord was spending with me, refiner's fire style. Growth never occurs without pain, a dying to self. Feet are shuffled, tears are shed--but so are shackles. Thank you, Jesus. 

And I give Him all the glory for the past few days of encouragement after encouragement. Many of those moments of joy may have been missed, forgotten, ignored, if I hadn't spent an entire week wrestling over those exact issues with the Lord. He opened my eyes to see beauty where I was just feeling frustration. He gave me hope, where I felt defeated. He filled me up, though I was depleted. 

He is faithful. Be on the lookout. 

The One with the Still Mornings

so pleased to be joining up with Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday challenge. The starting concept is-

Awake

These past two weeks have been beautiful. Awaking early in the morning, before the sun rises, all because I have an 8am "devos" date with my husband. 

I have always been a morning person. I enjoy the thrill of early morning runs, watching the sun peek over the horizon, knowing so much of the town still sleeps. Those few days over the Christmas holiday were especially peaceful. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse - surprisingly accurate depiction of small town America on the mornings of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Not one car passed me. No one was out to get the newspaper. No garage doors creaking open to reveal cars packed and ready for the work day. Here or there a light shone in a window, a chimney released its warm smoke, but mostly all was still. 

I feel peace in the mornings, as hard as it is to pull back the warm covers and peel open my sleepy eyes. It is quiet. A new day, ready to be written. Will I follow obediently in the path God has laid out for me, holding his hand and following his lead? Or will I try to maintain control and guide my steps on my own? 

The One with Surrendered Dreams

January 1st, 2011 is so vivid in my mind. The transformation God was working in my heart. Contentment.

I didn't even need to look back into all those months blog archives to be transported to that time alone with Jesus on the couch. But, reading my own sentiments all over again stir up in my heart a renewed pursuit of true contentment. {please read it again with me.}

This year I have learned much and grown deeply. But there is still so far to go. 

I have clung to Christ in new ways. But each day brings a choice. 

I have repeatedly meditated on the words of the worship chorus Surrender (by Marc James; Vineyard.)

I'm giving You my heart, all that is within 

I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King 

I'm giving You my dreams, laying down my rights 

I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender all to You, all to You 

And I surrender all to You, all to You

I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross 

All the world holds dear, I count it all as loss

For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name 

To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

And I surrender it all to you, all to You

To surrender not just today or my present struggles. I've found it's actually easier to give up my struggles and sins and give over my heart to Jesus in a moment of emotion, than it is to truly say, "God, I'm giving you my dreams." Those wishes, hopes, aspirations have somehow seemed off limits to surrender. But every single time I hear that song, I am convicted of the necessity to give over my future to Jesus. Why not? He deserves all my trust. He holds the world. He knows my heart. He will cherish my dreams, yet bring me step by step through the life He knows is best for me. 

And so my 2012 will start with the same purpose as 2011. Contentment each day, found totally in Jesus. And surrendering my dreams to Him.

Have you made any commitments in this new year? 

The One with the Sensitivity

I love when God gives me glimpses of His purpose for me, of how He is seeking to use me for the His Kingdom. Even the smallest revelation is powerful when I recognize it as God at work. 

Relationships matter most to me in ministry. I like to seek out those who seem alone, or someone who might need a listening ear (which happens to be almost everyone). And I naturally have a deep perception of individuals' emotions. Kevin jokingly refers to me as his "little empath"--taking on the emotional overtones of any environment. Though this can be harmful to my well-being, I also believe it is a gift from God. 

Even in a large group setting I can see when I person has been offended, embarrassed or hurt. I know how someone is going to interpret the message sent their way, even when I realize the original intent message is far from the reception. 

I know when a person is struggling through a message, be it amongst teens or adults. I notice when someone finds a discrete place to sit so as to not draw attention to their pain or their tears. 

And in each of these cases, my heart breaks for that person. My gut wrenches inside me. I long to offer tenderness and grace to them--right then and there--but I have learned how to be patient and wait for the right time and place to approach them. 

When the opportunity arises, I go to them with gentleness and compassion--offering my ear, my shoulder, my heart, my tears. God often gives me a message for their hearts, to bind up their brokenness. And I do my best to deliver it, and stay out His way. 

I am thankful for my sensitivity and for the lessons I've continually learning to use this precious gift as God would have me do. 

I encourage you, friends, to be on the lookout for God's gifting in YOUR life.

The One with His Specific Provision

wow. 

I'm at a loss for words at God's goodness. His provision. His forethought. And His passionate attention shown to the innermost aspects of my life. 

In the months before this big move, across states and into faith, there were many prayers offered. We sought wisdom--where to move, where to live, where to go to school. We asked for financial provision for which we couldn't prepare. And beneath all of the food-on-the-table and roof-over-our-heads requests, we sought a place to belong. That third component of full life--where relationships become as integral as breathing--was a silent prayer, pondered deep in my heart. 

And my God knows me so well. He knows my deepest needs, my heart's longing. 

Something like this should takes years to develop, but God planned differently. He wanted me connected. Sharing lives, shoulders, dreams, and hurts. Supporting another just as I need support. 

I have already made so many wonderful friends here. But today, this afternoon, God gave me a glimpse of His glorious plan for my life in the time I spent with the friend my heart has needed. I am thankful beyond words, excited beyond description. My heart is overflowing, tears of joy stream down my face. 

Thank you, Jesus, for your care, your provision. You are so good to me. 

---

Do you believe life is richer when truly shared by a friend??

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The One Who is Frail

Perfect words from Jesus in the precise moment that my soul needed them. 

Grow strong in your weakness. Some of my children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must life by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust me, to lean on Me, rather than your own understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness.  

I don't have to understand how so-and-so does it all. God enables them, for His greater purpose. I shouldn't believe something's wrong with me when I feel weak or tired. Receiving this message from God was such an amazing blessing. I have limits because He created me that way. I shouldn't reject them, trying to be more, do more.

Come to me, He says, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. 

I must simply run to Him. Seek strength in Him. Depend on the One who created me with this fragility. And be thankful.

For all is grace.

---

Jesus Calling pg 254, by Sarah Young.  

The One Where She Fell In a Hole, Et Cetera

Top Ten things I'm pondering on this beautiful late summer morning...

1) Where in the world did my lovely red 1 tsp and 1 Tbsp measuring spoons disappear to months ago??! It is a mystery. I thought for sure I'd find them in the move. But no. They are MIA forever. Lucky for me, I have 2 extra measuring spoon sets. One of which is passed on from my grandma--the metal kind with pretty, colorful handles. *love*

2) I fell in a hole yesterday morning. No joke. There was a piece of garbage in a rut on our front lawn. I stepped over to pick it up and plummeted to the bottom of a crevice in the earth's surface. Ok, a bit of an exaggeration, but this hole (covered mostly by overgrown grass) was at least a foot deep and about 2 feet WIDER than I anticipated. Kevin laughed at me.

3) How do friendships start? And how do they stick? I was thinking about this yesterday too. 

4) Somewhere along the way I became a coffee drinker. HOW did this happen?! I'm not a daily-drinker by any means. BUT I can drink Kevin's strong coffee concoctions and smile. 

5) I thought I would be grossed out when he ordered a Starbucks Venti iced coffee with a shot of hazelnut and room for milk. Blech. But no. It was amazing. We shared this drink with happiness on our faces.  

6) But nothing beats the indulgence of a Hazelnut Frappuccino with REAL Whipped Cream and Caramel drizzled on top. Help me, now. 

7) Why is it so hard for me to compile reasons I would be good for such and such a job? I'm realizing how I don't think very highly of my skills and I tend to downplay my talents in everyday life. But when it comes to competing for a job, you're supposed to play yourself up, right? It's going to take serious practice for me.  

8) I'm still waiting. Wondering. What does God have for me? The options seem endless now, but I'm learning lessons through the journey, the waiting process, the patience testing. Thanking God for giving me peace (when normally I'd be freaking.) 

9) It's been a four Sundays in a new church. A month since I've last participated in leading the worship service, week after week, year after year. It's been good to stand with the congregation and worship without distractions of "What note am I playing next?" or "What was that transition again??" or "Should I be singing a different harmony right now?" But I think I'm ready. Ready to be used for what God created me for--leading in worship. Excited after planning with the worship teams last night.   

10) I hope this batch of 100% Whole Wheat bread turns out even better than the last. Rising high above the edge of the pan. Just asking to be eaten. (recipe soon!)

What are you pondering today?

---linked up with OhAmanda's Top Ten Tuesday

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The One with the Friend I Needed

{friends! only 2 days to enter the Scrapbook Software giveaway} 

Just as I needed that lovely date night with my husband, I discovered a need for quality time with a girlfriend. Or, rather, God knew what was necessary to fill my spirit with His grace. 

Friendship. Time together. Souls sharing. 

One of my great new friends, Denise, wanted to spend some time together, and we decided to take a walk (closer to a hike) through this glorious cemetery. It sounds creepy, yes, but this is the most amazing places to visit, to picnic, to walk, to photograph. The roads are seemingly endless, curving this way and that, steeper and steeper. The grounds are carved into incredible levels, adding dimension and unique character to the tree covered acreage. And after taking in the beautiful weather, the rich history, and the good company, we headed to Tim Horton's. I indulged a bit in a hazelnut frappuccino topped with real whipped cream. Yum!   

And through all this we shared stories--some that were small and silly and others more life changing. And my heart was filled with exactly what it needed. Listening. Laughing. Being open, encouraging, relaxed. 

I am thankful.
----

I've been pondering friendship--How they begin, how they take root, how they matter. What are your thoughts?