The One where Dating {Could} Be Good

 Continuing on from my explanatory discussion on dating, I wanted to address the issue of whether or not dating can be good, specifically in the context of teenage relationships. 


1} For my thoughts on defining the term "dating," check out Monday's post. 


2} Now, depending on your definition, I may or may not have dated in high school. But I did go on dates (I just honestly didn't consider them dates until recently...they were "just to a dance" after all. :D) The large majority of people I know (my husband included) dated in high school--seriously or casually. Which tells me I should address the issue of I've chosen to date during my teenage years. What now? Can I still make God-honoring decisions? 

While the instances of unhealthy teenage relationships far outnumber the healthy, I believe it is possible to date and maintain righteous living. And the funny thing is, it uses the same points I made in my previous post on dating.

a) Can you maintain a guard around your heart? Will your relationship allow you the space you need to protect your intimate, delicate emotions?

This is the tricky part! Most girls love with all their hearts and souls. They pour everything into their relationships. But THAT, I believe, is the problem. If you give all of your love to that boy, will you have any left to give the man you marry? (Because you probably won't know for quite some time whether he's the One.)   Practically speaking, you will need to maintain daily prayer and Bible reading to keep your mind on things above, not on earthly things. You will need to fill your life with friends and music and books and activities that help you focus on God's will--not personal gain--for your life. 

 b) Will true friendship be the foundation of your relationship? I didn't want to lose friendships by way of a bad dating relationships, but I've seen instances where it is possible to avoid that brokenness. 

But before you start dating a guy, ask yourself, "Would I want to be best friends with this boy? Or am I just feeling totally attracted to him and ignoring the qualities I wouldn't want in a friend?" It's true that "love is blind"--in the scope of infatuated love, that is. You can ignore all you want, but in the end if you're not interested in being best friends with that guy, then move on.  


Best friends should want to share all of their hopes and dreams, even failures and shortcomings with each other. They should want to make each other better. They should be willing to disagree--even argue--about the issues that matter all in an effort to see eye-to-eye. 

c) Ask yourself--are you entering this relationship because you can honestly see this person being the type of man you would want to marry?

You don't need to be ready to get married or be divinely convinced that "He's the One," but you should at least be convinced that he is a reasonable candidate for your heart's keeper. The dating period will tell you if your initial inclinations were accurate or not, but in the beginning it's important to ask yourself that question. Otherwise, in my opinion, you're dating just to date--and why waste your time.

I have a lifelong friend who found her husband our junior year of high school. They dated, he proposed, and they were married the summer after we graduated. They're coming up on their 8th wedding anniversary; they have a beautiful son, steady jobs, and a lovely home. They made it. Proof that it IS possible.

3} Concerning the subject of whether or not the dating advice changes with age--In general (and having talked to a few friends of various ages and experiences), I would say, "no." Godly dating principles cross age gaps. I (of course!) have many more thoughts on this subject, particularly concerning college dating relationships, but that will be explored another time. :) Way to keep you hanging, eh?

The One with the Dating Definition

I received a lot of great feedback from the High School Dating advice I posted on Monday. Writing this post has left my mind in a whirlwind of thought--so much so that it's difficult getting myself to focus on one narrow topic and expound on it. My heart, along with my mind, has been encouraged and challenged this week as I've been listening to God's direction. I'm excited to see what might come of my recent realizations and increased passions. 

For now, I invite you to join me as I share practical advice to Real Girls' Real Problems. I'm praying that God will use my words to change lives for His glory. With that in mind, I am calling these advice-centric posts PRACTICALLY SPEAKING. 

On the topic of dating, I wanted to expound on the details and terminology used in my first post. 

What is my definition of dating? 

What if you do date? Can anything good come of it? 

Does the advice change with age?

1} Depending on who you ask, the term "dating can mean many different things. For some it's a one time dinner and movie. For another it means you're interested in a guy and you hang out a bit, go a few dances, but nothing more. For still others it means long-term commitment. 

When I use the D word, I'm referring to this scenario:

Boy likes girl. Girls likes boy. Boy asks girl if she'll be his girlfriend. Girl says yes. The decision is made to be in an exclusive relationship that includes hanging out at each other's homes, talking on the phone/texting, going out to dinner with a group of friends (or possibly just the two of you), assuming you will have a date for every dance that occurs while you're dating, and the highly probable hand-holding, hugging, and goodnight kiss exchange. (More on THAT another time.)

My husband has often disagreed with me when I say, "I didn't date in high school." Why? Because we have different definitions of the world. He thinks that dating includes going to a dance with a guy. And if that's the case, then I'm guilty as charged. 

Throughout my high school career, I attended around 10 school-sanctioned dances with a boy (a different one most times) who had asked me to be his date. Because the guy knew me well enough to know I wasn't the dating type, he knew I wasn't going to become his long-term girlfriend or require any commitment beyond the evening of the dance. One particular guy was going to take me to homecoming junior year before he found out I wasn't about to become his girlfriend. He called it off. I was hurt at first, but now I'm so thankful even that one date didn't happen.


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Now that you know my definition of the term "dating" and how I'll be using in the future, I wouldn't mind hearing what you think of when you hear someone say they're "dating." It's always entertaining to figure out what someone really means by that term, particularly when it's a 6th grader (*cough cough* My husband was that kid. Yes, I tease him mercilessly about it. He still loves me for whatever reason.) 

Questions 2} and 3} will be addressed later this week! Stay tuned. 

The One on Modesty

After sharing my convictions and experience on the subject of high school dating, my 17 year old friend from Michigan also wanted my input on MODESTY. 

Oooh, modesty is another very important topic--for middle school and high school girls, but also for women of any age.  

I Peter 3: 3-4Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 

First of all, I think it is important that we value our femininity and dress in a way that portrays ourselves as the beautiful women we are. It's not necessary that we hide the bodies God gave us or be embarrassed by our curves. However, it is important to keep ourselves holy--set apart from the world's standards. In a nutshell, I believe modesty means we should dress to look nice, not to attract attention. Check your motives every time you get put an outfit together. 

Practically speaking, this means: 

1 We should be wearing jeans that fit well but aren't too tight or form fitting. Guys' eyes are so easily distracted by our lovely legs and drawing more attention to them with skin-tight sweat pants or jeans just isn't considerate. 

2. It is good to wear tank tops under shirts that are low cut or might show a bit of stomach. As far as spaghetti strap tank tops go, I don't think they should be worn alone--without a shirt over top. Girls need to be wearing good, supportive bras, and I don't think that it's attractive or responsible to have our bra straps showing. (It's tacky in my opinion.) 

3. Some girls just have larger chests and have a difficult time keeping their cleavage covered. But I would encourage every woman to show as little cleavage as possible. This doesn't mean high-necked shirts--just being respectful of the men in our lives. Their eyes will go there--especially if we're showing off. 

4. Skirts and shorts need to be long enough that it's not awkward to sit down. There should be absolutely no fear of an accidental underwear exposure. Skirts and shorts should also avoid the tight-form-fitting look.

I have to admit, it's hard to be a confident, attractive woman in a world that emphasizes the feminine frame in all the wrong ways. As John & Staci Eldgredge put in the book Captivating, women are the crown of creation, created to be a physical representation of the beauty and alluring character of our great God. I encourage all women--teenagers, busy moms, single ladies, grandmothers, pastors' wives, and working women--to embrace their beauty and give God thanks for the way He molded them. Take the time to dress yourselves in a way that is respectful of other's eyes and honoring to the beauty you've been entrusted with. (Yes, this includes not hiding behind your clothes, either.)

And above all, seek the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. THAT kind of beauty shines through any physical appearance and is the truest form of femininity. 

Top Ten of the Best Photos from {Snow Camp}

This past weekend, Kevin and I (along with 3 other adult leaders) took 18 high school students to Snow Camp. This particular camp is set up in the Old Western style and has been operating for 40 years. They run 10 or 12 weekend Snow Camps each winter and host 200 students at each camp. Many groups have been attending for years and years. 

It's always interesting to attend a new camp for the first time. I have been to many a Christian Camp--between my years of work at our camp (Somerset Beach) and my summer with Wellspring (traveling worship team to different camp each week.) It's important to have an open mind--about the cabins, the leadership, the organization, the chapel services, the meal time, the extra-curriculars--or you will likely have a very bad attitude. And bad attitudes just ruin everything. 

Our time with our teens was a big success. Kevin and I both committed to spending our weekend as youth workers instead of husband-and-wife. We sat with each other at meals and such, but we made an effort to spend most of our free time with our respective guys or girls. I hung out with the girls as they sat and talked in their bunks or watched the activities from the sidelines. Kevin played hours of Euchre with the guys in their cabins and kept up with the young-ens during their basketball games.  

I listened to my own advice--my note to self. I loved those students. I spent time with them. I was real with them {adorkable side and all}. I laughed with them. I even cried with them. Oh yeah, and I indulged in the calorie-dense foods without feeling {too} guilty. 

I took literally HUNDREDS of pictures all weekend and I have narrowed them down for your viewing pleasure. Here are the...

Top Ten of the Best Photos from {Snow Camp}

one. me and the girls at the Wild West Adventure Town 

(waiting for the late-night games to begin. 10pm to midnight with a 1:30am lights out is just crazy in my opinion. but I survived.) 

two. human hamster ball relays. 

three. human bowling. 

(that's not dangerous at all...)

four. group building activities--the ping pong ball pass
(followed by the "NOOOOOO!!!" exclamations from John & Maria)

five. another group building activity--
the girls are focused on keep their feet touching as they move from one end of the room to the other.

six. the other half of our group during the foot-touching activity. those boys are focused.

seven. group shot (with the random Santa Claus Helicopter and support beam in the middle of us.)

eight. Trike Terror Relays.
(exactly what it sounds like--plus the driver was blind-folded. really?!)

nine. the Jump Shot. classic.

ten. my girls and me (minus Carly!)

It's not been easy to move on from one group of teens to a new one, but God is blessing us with opportunities like this one to invest in their lives and show them our true commitment. Walls are beginning to shatter, relationships are forming. May His Name be Glorified. 

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linked with Top Ten Tuesday.

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The One with My Bday Day

My birthday was just want I needed. Perfect. 

Friday night, I had a living room overflowing with high school girls--giggling, sharing, blushing, nail painting, eating, relaxing. It was wonderful. And to top it all off, right as I brought out the ice cream for our sundae bar, the whole room exploded with the happy birthday song just for me! They had made a cake--complete with my name in the frosting and 26 candles. They had all signed a card--right under my nose, without me noticing. They had bought me 3 beautiful pairs of earrings from a local boutique--and I loved every pair. I couldn't have wiped the smile off of my face if I'd tried. 

It was 10 minutes before midnight when Kevin and I finally climbed in bed on the eve of my birthday. He decided we must wait up those 10 minutes so he could wish me happy birthday and give me my birthday present--a pair of Yaktrax (for winter running) that I've had on my wishlist for more than year. We slept in late the next morning. He gave time to do an hour of yoga (knowing that would make me happy), then we headed out for a leisurely walk through the most beautiful cemetery ever. (Sounds creepy, but it's totally awesome.) Kevin knows how much I love taking walks together and we spent at least an hour walking around (and still didn't cover all the grounds.) We even climbed to the top of the "watch tower." Amazing view! We could see all the way to Lake Ontario! 

By this time, it was lunch and we headed to Subway for a little date. We came back home, made ourselves awesome ice cream sundaes, and watching Gnomeo and Juliet together--all snuggled up on the couch. I, of course, fell asleep during this 83 minute movie. Go figure. But it was a perfect afternoon.

When I finally peeled my eyelids open from my nap, it was time for my date with Sheryl. Kevin was generously giving me up for the evening so we could have a girls night out. It was a fantastic night! We hit up Goodwill, had a few good laughs, and headed to a phenomenal Italian restaurant in the city. Our conversation was so sweet; we never seem to run out of things to talk about. After our meal, we took time to browse all the aisles of Bed, Bath and Beyond with hopes of finding something to spend both of our gift cards on. We didn't decide on anything, but we had a blast looking. With barely any time left, we made a quick run through Kohl's--Sheryl's first time!--and boy, oh boy! did we fill that store with laughter! So great! 

At bedtime, Kevin and I crawled under the covers and I opened up the gigantic package from the MFM teens. They had filled an extra large envelope with confetti, cards, letters, and pictures. It was a wonderful surprise, and the perfect way to end my special day. 

Thanks EVERYONE for your sweet birthday wishes! Love you all!

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The One with the Friend I Needed

{friends! only 2 days to enter the Scrapbook Software giveaway} 

Just as I needed that lovely date night with my husband, I discovered a need for quality time with a girlfriend. Or, rather, God knew what was necessary to fill my spirit with His grace. 

Friendship. Time together. Souls sharing. 

One of my great new friends, Denise, wanted to spend some time together, and we decided to take a walk (closer to a hike) through this glorious cemetery. It sounds creepy, yes, but this is the most amazing places to visit, to picnic, to walk, to photograph. The roads are seemingly endless, curving this way and that, steeper and steeper. The grounds are carved into incredible levels, adding dimension and unique character to the tree covered acreage. And after taking in the beautiful weather, the rich history, and the good company, we headed to Tim Horton's. I indulged a bit in a hazelnut frappuccino topped with real whipped cream. Yum!   

And through all this we shared stories--some that were small and silly and others more life changing. And my heart was filled with exactly what it needed. Listening. Laughing. Being open, encouraging, relaxed. 

I am thankful.
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I've been pondering friendship--How they begin, how they take root, how they matter. What are your thoughts?

The One with My Ministry Gifts

I have no idea where God will take me in the future. Will I be at home, loving on my family, gardening, baking, housekeeping, homeschooling? Will I write a book? Will we live here forever? Or move across the country? How will I be using my musical gifts? 

So many questions, yet I don't really need to know the answers. I am identifying my passions and my ministry gifts and doing my best to use them fully. After youth group on Sunday night, I was convinced that the strongest ministries God has given me are of prayer and openness and vulnerability. 

I have always been an open person. I thrive on honesty and transparency. I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Though that phrase can be construed in the negative, I believe I know when it is appropriate to be completely open about my emotions and when it's okay to keep them to myself. That being said, a girls small group ministry is perfect for me. 

The past two years of small group efforts have not been all that successful. Conversation topics were scattered and lacked depth. I was frustrated by this--being the deeply emotional people person that I am--but I knew I wasn't supposed to give up. I'm so thankful that we kept trying. I know not everyone enjoys opening up, some even dread it--especially with a small group of individuals they might not trust quite yet. But this past month of girls' small group have been life-changing--for me and the teens. 

I have kept my agenda to a minimum. I'm learning the more I plan, the more frustrated I am when things don't go as I anticipate, and the farther away we move from the path God has laid out before us. The "planner" in me has stepped aside. I ask an introductory question or two, but then I step back. I pray--beseeching God to move in their hearts. And sure enough, He leads in a very specific way and I follow as best I can. 

This past week there was such brokenness. So many wounds were exposed. As girl after girl shared her heart and tears with us, others were moved to do the same. It was powerful. I was privileged to pray over each of them. I have learned to pray boldly, with confidence, listening to the Holy Spirit as He guides my words. Intercessory prayers are so powerful when they are not in my own wisdom. 

And through each night, I have been able to be open and honest as well. This is, I believe, one of the most powerful tools God has given me. In being vulnerable with my girls (within reason, of course), I lead by example and I show them my true, authentic self. They are able to see a glimpse of the love and passion I have for each one of their lives. They realize that I have had many of the same struggles as they are experiencing. They see Jesus' love for them, through me. 

Oh, what a privilege. My heart is overflowing. 

The One with Girls Questioning God's Creation

God is not done moving among us. 

Satan, of course, has had his turn at attempting to tear down the stronghold Jesus has on the hearts of our youth group.

The Enemy has done his best to conjure up conflict and create strife and put a wedge in between all the good that is happening. 

But I see what you're pulling, Satan, and I raise you eleventy billion. 

Because God's on our side. 

So there!

I'm all too quickly becoming an expert in conflict management, 

forgiveness, 

and the methods of Matthew 18. 

But I won't give up.

Even though my efforts seem for naught, I refuse to throw in the towel. 

Last night at youth group, Kevin and I led two separate (unrehearsed) discussions on forgiveness and on living a life far from lukewarm. 

As the girls shared the areas in their life where they are lukewarm--where they have given God enough, but not all--my heart was being moved towards a specific topic. 

I didn't plan it. 

In fact, I've all but stopped planning--God's will is so much more evident when I don't try to force my outline into His agenda.

With 12 girls listening intently, I began to broach the taboo topic. 

Girls and body image. 

I wanted them to see they are not alone--

that every girl has something she dislikes or even despises about her body. 

There were nodding heads and open hearts. 

I told them of my own struggles. 

And I shared with them the message only God could place in my mouth--

what right does the created have to question to the wisdom of the Creator?

I gave them this example from my marriage:

For a while, I constantly held a very negative opinion of my figure. 

Kevin would always tell me of my beauty, but I still complained--

basically choosing to call him a liar by refuting his statements. 

He finally stopped me in my tracks.

My loving husband told me that when I talk badly about myself, it hurts him.

It tells him I don't trust him enough to believe that his words are true. 

This is just one example of how Kevin exemplifies Christ to me. 

Jesus is saddened when we compare ourselves to others, when we talk badly about the body we've been given, when we mistreat our body, when we believe the lies from Satan. 

We are wrong, women.

We are not just living stunted lives because of our inability to see ourselves as the crown of creation, 

but we are living selfishly. 

We are not considering the effects our low opinions of ourselves have on our husbands, our friends, our God.

Listen to the words Jesus is speaking. 

Believe Him. 

Embrace the Truth. 

And you will be set free indeed.   

(in case you don't click on that link above:

You'll want to check out my post on Beauty over at our devotional blog--We Chase the Son.)