I left you hanging back in January when I wrote a post about the first and only round of infertility testing I have undergone. After many writing detours, I will return to the subject which stands in forefront of my mind and, because of your friendships, many of yours.
It has been another 4 months since the procedure which many were hopeful would clear up an unknown issue and result in pregnancy.
And, no, I have not yet conceived.
I am at the point of acceptance. I no longer face devastation month in and month out. Disappointment or sadness rise up occasionally, but my heart is not filled with the same negativity as the previous 31 months. Thanks to the grace of the Lord, I am experiencing contentment.
True contentment has been allusive for so very long and couldn't be achieved because it was always accompanied by a deep down manipulation - "If I am ok with this situation and appear to be content with where God has me, surely he will bless me with what I really want." It was still all about me.
I remember my husband talking with me all those months and years ago, counseling me to come to accept whatever plan the Lord has for our lives. I wasn't ready to hear that message and I was angry that he would consider recommending that for me. But these days, I have such a wonderful peace. I love where we're at and I'm actually excited to be used by God in whatever way He sees fit. If that means giving birth to our babies next year or ten years from now; if that means becoming foster parents or pursuing some form of adoption; if that means focusing all of our attention on the people we are called to minister to (be them teens or college students, kids or adults.) I welcome HIS plan.
After many hours, many tears, and many prayers, we are both at peace with not pursuing fertility treatments. Since there is nothing medically dangerous going on with either of our bodies, we're going to leave natural childbearing up to our Sovereign God. If we become convinced adoption is the route God has for us, then we will be honored to pour our money into adopting and taking care of a child who has been brought into this world and is in need of care and love from parents like us.
We would appreciate your continued prayers for us. Pray for wisdom, emotional strength, and obedience to God's plan. Pray for our future children, including those we may love like our own via ministry. Pray for our family, even if it remains the two of us. My desire for my own children has not diminished, and I still pray God will grant us our dream I just have peace about following any part of his plan.